A Song Forged In Hell
By a 17-year-old
Holding On To You - Turner Newberg
I look down the precipice
Is there peace in the abyss
Is there someone, something good in life
That death would make me missCuz the future looks too hard
I’m already ripped apart
And it’s easier to give up
Than to step into the darkI don’t feel like singing
I don’t feel like dancing
I can hardly speak
Because You hardly answer
I could keep on screaming
I could waste my time
Or I could keep on moving
Though I don’t know why
I gotta hold on to something
So I’m holding on to You
I’m holding on to You
Even when I can’t see You move
I gotta hold on to something
So I’m holding on to YouMy whole world is up in flames
And it isn’t me to blame
And there’s nothing I can do
So I’m just counting off the daysAnd I know I’ve tried to fix it
But somehow I always miss it
Cuz these two hands ain’t strong enough
God will You even listenI don’t feel like singing
I don’t feel like dancing
I can hardly speak
Because You hardly answer
I could keep on screaming
I could waste my time
Or I could keep on moving
Though I don’t know why
I gotta hold on to something
So I’m holding on to You
I’m holding on to You
Even when I can’t see You move
I gotta hold on to something
So I’m holding on to YouThough You enchanted the skies
You told the night to shine
So You could guide the way
For my tear-stained eyes
I’m blessed but torn apart
I don’t want the stars
I just want everything to be alright
TonightI don’t feel like singing
I don’t feel like dancing
I can hardly speak
Because You hardly answer
I could keep on screaming
I could waste my time
Or I could keep on moving
Though I don’t know why
I gotta hold on to something
So I’m holding on to You
I’m holding on to You
Even when I can’t see You move
I gotta hold on to something
So I’m holding on to You
I’m holding on to You
It doesn’t matter what You do
I gotta hold on to something
So I’m holding on to You
Sorry if the chorus clogged up your eyes. The poem’s better heard than read.
The story behind this goes back to when I was 12 and in public school. To me the schoolwork was nothing - it was all about the people. I love people. No matter how rough my morning was, I would always break into a smile as soon as I walked into homeroom, just because I was with other kids.
Until it all disappeared.
Don’t get me wrong, switching to homeschooling was fantastic because I actually got a real education, but that doesn’t change the fact that I suddenly had no friends. At the time I was a new believer and didn’t have the courage to tell my friends why I had left.
A year later, I moved 2000 miles away to White Rock, New Mexico. Thanks to the national lab and beautiful landscape, it’s a bizarre combination of small, isolated, rich, woke, and full of retired people.
In other words, not a great place to connect with other Christian homeschoolers.
When I was feeling sad, what could I do? Take it too my friends? What friends?
Did I take it to my parents? My mom was a sold out woke feminist, and my dad was one of those people who always makes deep conversations difficult, so no.
Did I take it to my siblings? I had a 5-year-old sister, a severely autistic brother, and an older bro with the same problems and a job, so no.
Did I take it to church? Well my dad was a Lone Ranger Christian then. So no
You get the picture.
Hormonal nuclear reactor as I was, I started having these huge meltdowns. Swimming in self-pity and crying uncontrollably, I would scream at God about each and every way He was making my life suck. God was so patient with me.
It would go on for an hour until I found myself saying the same things over and over. Tear ducts dry, I finally accepted that my words were accomplishing nothing. My only options were to keep freaking out, or to hang on to something and move on. And if I was gonna hang on to something, it might as well be God.
A few weeks later, it would start all over.
Months turned into years. Suicide crossed my mind more than once, even as a Christian. There were literal cliffs within walking distance.
But the more meltdowns I had, the more I began to realize that they always ended the same way - trusting God and moving on. They got shorter and shorter. I eventually reached a point where I would feel it welling up and be like you know how this is going to end. Skip the crying and trust God.
So I stopped having meltdowns.
This song was the culmination of that whole experience. Freaking out over something I couldn’t control was a waste of time. And I wasn’t putting my faith in God because I wanted to - I did it because I had to. It changed my life.
Leave a comment. I want your thoughts.
Though my circumstances have been very different, Turner, I can relate. Particularly to the screaming and the need to hold on. And, reaching the end of a very dark tunnel and beginning to be able to look back, I'm starting to see more and more that it was God who was holding on to me the whole time. His love and power just get more overwhelmingly amazing the further one goes in this Christian walk.
Thanks for your courage and vulnerability. And as Winston Churchill said, "Never, ever give up!"
God bless you!